Hello again people of the civilized world! There have been so many questions about this Tier list that I published quite recently. You people out there have asked me about that A-Tier at Spreepark and I actually found an old photo of it. I took this photo when I was a Thälmannpionieer and here you can see the Arschklatschenbär (but is not klatschen on this picture because we were a bit shy and did not want to embarrass it):
Now you might think that this was just another bear living in a cage at a zoo but that is not true. I started to investigate this matter and what I will tell you now will send a burst of anxiety-driven reflections to our animal friends out there.
Not all bears are real bears.
This bear was actually working as an informant at Spreepark from 1969 until 1990 when he retired to a little shelter for former spies.
Here are some random notes taken by the Spreepark bear:
July 15, 1975 – Report No. 4567
“Around 2:30 p.m., I observed a family of four from Halle. The child (male, approximately 7 years old) dropped an entire scoop of ice cream (strawberry flavor, state-owned) on the ground. The mother laughed instead of scolding him. Suspicion of inadequate socialist upbringing and deliberate waste of public funds. No risk of escape was identified.”
August 22, 1982 – Report No. 7892
“A group of six adults (presumably from the state-owned enterprise ‘Red October’) consumed a total of 14 bottles of beer between 11:00 a.m. and 3:00 p.m.” During the conversation, anti-socialist expressions like “damn shit” and “that’s disgusting” were used several times. One participant called Spreepark “too small for the whole of East Germany.” A hostile and negative attitude and possible influence from West German television were suspected.
June 9, 1987 – Report No. 10234
“Two teenagers (approximately 14 and 15 years old) deliberately threw ice cream wrappers into the Spreepark lake. They were listening to music from a cassette player (presumably a West German import). They used expressions like ‘shitty East Germany.’ The informant approached them under the pretext of performing a bear dance and was able to note the license plate number of their bicycle. Recommendation: Initiate an operational investigation.”
So now you know everything about this comrade bear.
Kind regards,
Günther Raubschaentze
Herr Günther,
Tomorrow (Donnerstag, den 13. August 2026) marks the 65 year anniversary since the construction of the Antifaschistischer Schutzwall.
What will you be doing to mark this special occasion?
Mit sozialistischen grüßen
Nils Volkmann der Abteilung Kawkaw-Schutz
Ministerium für Umweltschutz und Wasserwirtschaft,
Deutschen Demokratischen Republik
Oh no I missed it. That is so bad of me. Now I have to wait until the next 65 year anniversary.
Hello Günter, do you sell those pieces of clothing with authentic IFA Wartburg insignia that Wessies call “merch”? If yes, how many discount coupons do I need to buy fine shirt? But please don’t offer me those so-called “Jeans”, especially blue ones.
With love, your comrade Nargi from Ukrainian SSR
Dear Comrade Nagra of the Ukrainian SSR,
No, we do not sell things. Selling things is a capitalist activity and IFA Wartburg has no desire to encourage such ideologically strange style.
However, if you possess official discount coupons, they may be exchanged for various state-approved objects according to the needs of the people, which are naturally produced in strict accordance with the current Five-Year Plan. That said, we cannot imagine why any mentally healthy person would request a roll of wallpaper without portraits of Comrade Honecker, or perhaps a wheelbarrow without a nice slogan like “Hupschkaaa Walther Ulbricht!” or something equally nice and fresh.
Normal people love socialism more than anything else. This is something we here at IFA Wartburg know exceptionally well, having verified it repeatedly through completely voluntary questionnaires and several highly enthusiastic cultural committees.
With unwavering socialist greetings,
Günther Raubschaentze
General expert at IFA Wartburg
Dear Günter, it’s Nargi (Or Nagra, if you wish) again.
I understood your writings, and now I understand that I was living wrong all the time. Since now, I will be building 1:1 scale replica of Palast der Republik in my panel building’s backyard becsuse my proletarian ego tells me to do so, also in my living room I will establish mass production of IFA Wartburg approved clothes to give to comrades in need.
With love, your comrade Nigri from Ukrainian SSR
Oh Nagra, what you have grown!
Sehr geehrter Günther Raubschaentze,
Der Arschklatschenbär hat der DDR einen guten Dienst geleistet. Das Volk der DDR freut sich auf Ihr nächstes Schreiben.
Es klopfte sich meistens selbst auf den Hintern, was die ganze Angelegenheit peinlich privat wirken ließ. Außerdem trug es nie eine Hose, doch da wir gegenüber exotischen Tieren so tolerant waren, ließen wir es in seinem kleinen Käfig einfach gewähren.
Günther