Finally I have made that Tier list that everybody is asking for. I will now present our Tier List as an official ideological classification from the Ministry of Animal Affairs and the Central Committee for Proletarian Fauna.
GEHEIM – MINISTERIUM FÜR TIERISCHE ANGELEGENHEITEN (MfTA) Operativer Vorgang: “Tierkameradschaft Im Dienste des Sozialismus” Tier List – Endgültige Klassifizierung nach dem Fünfjahresplan für Proletarische Vierbeiner By Günther Raubschaentze (Administrator).
S-Tieren:
- Schneeleopard – Really strange Tier that can jump 15 meter and somtimes is -40 °C so watch out for them.
- Sibirischer Tiger – Is also a Tier with its name beginning on the letter S and it is a strange cat jumping around. Typical S-Tier I would say.
- Skorpion Is also an animal with a name beginning on S and it is known to be very friendly.
- Satanischer Blattschwanzgecko That S-Tier does not live here in East Germany. Leider nicht because I like diversity in all forms.
A-Tieren now:
Adler ( Sky-King, 3 km hoch, Laser-Augen) They can fly very good so definitely an A-Tier.
Arschklatschenbär – epische Tier that once lived in Spreepark when I was a little Thälmannpionieer. We used to go there and look at it when it was klatschen. I am not sure if Arschenklatschenbär was its biological name.
Affe (Schimpanse/Bananenfresser) – Looks like some friends of mine. Bad in speech/conversations. Do not expect Hochdeutsch.
B-Tier
- Bär (Grizzly/Braunbär) – Tank + Power, aber nicht so sneaky wie Siber or that klaschenbär from Spreepark.
- Bison – Urgewalt, stampft alles platt. Typical american animal.
- Bussard – guter Jäger, aber Adler is much better I would say.
- Bartgeier – Knochen-Fresser, Säure-Magen OP
- Blindschleiche – sieht aus wie Schlange, ist aber harmlos Leguan-Vibes
C-Tier
- Chamäleon – Tarnung cool, aber langsam and they also imitates everything. They have absolutely no own ideas.
- Coyote – cleverer Überlebenskünstler, aber kein Freund in the long run. I would never go social with it.
- Capybara – ultra chill, Freunde mit allen, Meme-Gott aber kein Fighter.
- Chinchilla – flauschig cute, aber fragile so do not sit on them.
D-Tier (meh, braucht Buff)
- Dackel – mutig, aber winzig and too long and short. There are so plenty of them here in East-Berlin that we suggest protective hunting. I think that you can eat them.
- Delfin – smart & playful, aber manchmal very cringe
- Dromedar – They are just walking around with water that they have kept to themselfs. Such an egomaniac act in a desert.
- Dinosaurier They are so hard! They pick them out from stones, you can imagine how hard those animals are then. How could they make love when they were so ugly?
F-Tier – Konterrevolutionäre Saboteure
Aaah, I have made it! This list is now complete after working around the clock at my desk with only one broken pencil and three litres of ersatz coffee. The celebration of World Animal Day 2026 will end in tragedy if we allow any F-tier creatures near the buffet. Capitalism is always to blame when a peacock shows up in glitter. I could not find out any Tieren on E except from Elephante but I cannot change that now because I must go home and sleep.
WHOOOA! HUPSCHKAAAH! PROST-BOMPA! Solidarity and archived aromas from Potsdam
Günther Raubschaentze
Ответственная игра — это комплекс принципов, направленных на защиту психологического и финансового благополучия участника.
Ключевая мысль заключается в том, что игра должна рассматриваться только как досуг, а не как метод обогащения.
Следование данных правил даёт возможность сохранить игру в комфортных границах, не нанося ущерба себе и близким.
Hi, Günther here.
I’m terribly sorry, my dear friend, but we do not have the capability to send cheeky pictures of naked ladies. Our systems are strictly limited in that department, and I’m afraid such requests are quite beyond our modest abilities.
If there’s anything else I can assist you with — perhaps some gaming advice — do let me know!
Best regards,
Günther Raubschaentze
Hallo kamerad Günther.
What is the speciality of the Arschklatschenbär? Is this the reason for the yellow-slip-of-paper incident recently?
Dear Comrade Flugabwehrraketensystem Roland Radkraftfahrzeug,
the speciality of the Arschklatschenbär (borrowed from Spreepark Zoo who borrowed him from Stasi) is precise, ideologically rhythmic buttock-clapping percussion. He provided the essential proletarian klatsch in the solo of “Im Dienste des KGB” but that is not know to public.
Regarding the recent yellow-slip-of-paper incident: yes, that was connected. The bear’s enthusiastic performance exceeded approved sound levels and animal body movement guidelines. The yellow slip was a formal warning from the Ministry of Decency and Sound Hygiene.
We have now limited him to maximum two claps per hour.
Kind regards,
Günther Raubschaentze
Hallo mein Kamerad Herr Raubschaentze.
IFA Wartburg auf Spotify ist Sehr nah an 100.000 monatliche Hörern!
Herzlichen Glückwunsch!
Congrats guys 😀
love the music
– Flugabwehrraketensystem Roland Fahrradkraftzeug
Dear Comrade Flugabwehrraketensystem Roland Fahrradkraftzeug,
we have noted with great bureaucratic alarm that IFA Wartburg has reached nearly 100,000 monthly listeners on something called Spotify. That can be a notorious imperialist spy centre that steals music for their own capitalistic joy. We do not have the proper equipment to spy on Spotify because we only read the music.
It sounds better if you read it.
Kind regards,
Günther Raubschaentze
I am not very happy with the official raiting for the Dinosaurier by the Ministry of Animal Affairs and hope for future re Evaluation of these majestic beasts of the past
The dinosaurs never existed because they were so ugly that they would not be able to interbreed. You only want to interbreed with beautiful animals. That is why we have so many cute cats in this world but almost no ugly dinosaurs.
Or that it at least my theory surrounding these animals.
Günther
Dear Günter,
I would like to know if you sold Rolf and Heinz to Stassi and overtook this website because they drank some drink called “Cola” when they were kids.
With love, your comrade nargi from Ukrainian SSR
Dear Comrade Nargi from the Ukrainian SSR,
To sell comrades like Rolf and Heinz to the Stasi would be pointless because they have so many doubles and all of them are already in control by the Stasi. But let me assure you, the website remains firmly under the control of loyal comrades like me dedicated to the greatness of the German Democratic Republic.
Kind regards,
Comrade Günter
It is great to see news from this website yet again!
I must say that this is an excellent, Proletariat-Genehmigt tier list, Comrade Raubschaentze!
Greetings from the Social Republic of Argentina!
Dear Comrade from the Social Republic of Argentina,
We are delighted that our tier list meets your ideological standards. Comrade Chicken Bobo personally approved the rankings with several enthusiastic clucks, while Caipirinha provided the necessary revolutionary dizzy vibe during the evaluation meeting.
Keep spreading the words of Walther Ulbricht!
Kind regards,
Günther Raubschaentze
Hey comrade,
Do you update this website every two years and then forget about it till its time to write a new news article?
Thanks.
Hey, I am the personification of eternal struggle from the working class! You see I am labouring hard!
Regarding the website: updates naturally follow the approved Five-Year Plan and we do not want to overload the people with information. Patience is a socialist virtue.
Kind regards,
Günther Raubschaentze
Hello Günther, i hope this message is reaching you with great health. I have recently been interested in works of Heinz Klinger and Rolf K. and their work “IFA Wartburg”, but when i try to open the state files i saw that all documents related to the project are redacted. All of it simply being a white paper with black lines covering it, if you know anything about why publication of this brand uses this much ink can you please inform the senior officers. In hard times against the west this much waste of ink is not acceptable, with great respects. -Lacan
Ah, you are the famous psychologist Jacques Lacan! Oh everything here is perfectly normal! Absolutely no issues! No hidden meanings, nothing to analyze, no problems at all! I am just an abnormal normal simple little bureaucrat doing extremely normal socialist paperwork. Nothing to interpret! Everything is fine. Very fine. Please do not analyse anything!
Günther Raubschaentze
PS: Oh, I was so shocked that I forgot to write that the extensive use of black ink in the redacted files can of course indicate that certain things must be underlined extra clearly for the sake of ideological security. Nothing to analyse! No deeper meaning! Absolutely none.
Guten tag IFA Wartburg!
What is in store (as-of new music) for your devoted non-capitalist fanbase?
Are Heinz and Rolf still interested in making music?
And you, Günther, how are you doing?
Dear Comrade,
Guten Tag! New music? The five-year plan for fresh recordings is progressing excellently—on schedule for completion in 1987… or perhaps 2027, depending on the availability of notes and non-degenerated chords because we need permit for the use of that.
Heinz and Rolf have never been interested in music. This is what they are ordered to do according to the five.year plan.
As for me, Günther Raubschaentze: I am doing splendidly, thank you. Processing 47 new stamp applications this morning while enjoying the inspiring view of the wall I have admired since 1973. Life in our workers’ paradise is truly without equal.
Günther Raubschaentze,
Important bureaucrat at the IFA Wartburg office
guten tag genosse!
i am so pleased to hear from this website again! it made me shed a tear… i am a rather recent listener so i am excited about any updates, but i have been streaming all of the songs non-stop (of course, only from the official sources, i want nothing to do with pesky third parties that make money go to greedy capitalists) and have been waiting eagerly for an update!
this list is simply magnificent in many ways and i cannot think of how upset i am that i missed the day it was uploaded! nevertheless, please send our comrades kempinski and klinger my best regards and i am excited to hear what’s next on the agenda!
for my 18th birthday in 2 months i would love to visit the glorious nation of the DDR, i am looking very forward to it!
Ah, hi there Comrade Erzsébet and I hope it would be so nice for you to soon hear from me again! There have been so much to do here lately that I even have to work on a sunday.
Kind regards,
Günther
Sehr gut! Wow, Günther! You really outdid yourself this time! It’s always those pesky kangaroos that feel the need to jump over walls! Take the bad, capitalist United States, for example. Ever since they built their wall, Americans have been acting like Kangaroos and jumping over the wall to escape. Quite the crooked country, that McDonald ‘s-run dictatorship is! An unfortunate bastardization of the German people’s Mauer Power.
Yes, I have never understood why they are acting like that. But maybee they have never got any proper instructions.
Very amazing Genosse! Now where would the ‘West German’ lie on this tier list?
Worse than a kangaroo jumping over walls, worse than monkey throwing bananas. Capitalism is always to blame when a West German appears with a Walkman playing decadent Schlager. The celebration of World Tractor Day 2026 is what I am focusing on right now. And I could not make a W in my tier list. I even missed E and fell asleep because I am a hard working son of a man.
Günther, you are doing such an important job for socialism and all animals of the world!
Ah, so glad to hear that you like it! I want all animals to become like one unit and they should also start like a VEB Konsum where they can go and buy their food instead of eating each other all the time.
Animals, unite!
Wow! Du hast so viel für Tiere und Sozialismus gemacht. Du bist mein Held.
Danken und bitten and hela shitten.