More information regarding the applauding bear at Spreepark.

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Hello again people of the civilized world! There have been so many questions about this Tier list that I published quite recently. You people out there have asked me about that A-Tier at Spreepark and I actually found an old photo of it. I took this photo when I was a Thälmannpionieer and here you can see the Arschklatschenbär (but is not klatschen on this picture because we were a bit shy and did not want to embarrass it):

Now you might think that this was just another bear living in a cage at a zoo but that is not true. I started to investigate this matter and what I will tell you now will send a burst of anxiety-driven reflections to our animal friends out there.

Not all bears are real bears.

This bear was actually working as an informant at Spreepark from 1969 until 1990 when he retired to a little shelter for former spies.

Here are some random notes taken by the Spreepark bear:

July 15, 1975 – Report No. 4567

“Around 2:30 p.m., I observed a family of four from Halle. The child (male, approximately 7 years old) dropped an entire scoop of ice cream (strawberry flavor, state-owned) on the ground. The mother laughed instead of scolding him. Suspicion of inadequate socialist upbringing and deliberate waste of public funds. No risk of escape was identified.”

August 22, 1982 – Report No. 7892

“A group of six adults (presumably from the state-owned enterprise ‘Red October’) consumed a total of 14 bottles of beer between 11:00 a.m. and 3:00 p.m.” During the conversation, anti-socialist expressions like “damn shit” and “that’s disgusting” were used several times. One participant called Spreepark “too small for the whole of East Germany.” A hostile and negative attitude and possible influence from West German television were suspected.

June 9, 1987 – Report No. 10234

“Two teenagers (approximately 14 and 15 years old) deliberately threw ice cream wrappers into the Spreepark lake. They were listening to music from a cassette player (presumably a West German import). They used expressions like ‘shitty East Germany.’ The informant approached them under the pretext of performing a bear dance and was able to note the license plate number of their bicycle. Recommendation: Initiate an operational investigation.”

So now you know everything about this comrade bear.

Kind regards,

Günther Raubschaentze

The Ultimate IFA Wartburg Tier List!

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Finally I have made that Tier list that everybody is asking for. I will now present our Tier List as an official ideological classification from the Ministry of Animal Affairs and the Central Committee for Proletarian Fauna.

GEHEIM – MINISTERIUM FÜR TIERISCHE ANGELEGENHEITEN (MfTA) Operativer Vorgang: “Tierkameradschaft Im Dienste des Sozialismus” Tier List – Endgültige Klassifizierung nach dem Fünfjahresplan für Proletarische Vierbeiner By Günther Raubschaentze (Administrator).

S-Tieren:

  • Schneeleopard – Really strange Tier that can jump 15 meter and somtimes is -40 °C so watch out for them.
Snow Leopard Facts - Snow Leopard Trust

  • Sibirischer Tiger – Is also a Tier with its name beginning on the letter S and it is a strange cat jumping around. Typical S-Tier I would say.
Siberian tigers in winter - Jim Zuckerman photography & photo tours
  • Skorpion Is also an animal with a name beginning on S and it is known to be very friendly.
  • Satanischer Blattschwanzgecko That S-Tier does not live here in East Germany. Leider nicht because I like diversity in all forms.

A-Tieren now:

Adler ( Sky-King, 3 km hoch, Laser-Augen) They can fly very good so definitely an A-Tier.

Arschklatschenbär – epische Tier that once lived in Spreepark when I was a little Thälmannpionieer. We used to go there and look at it when it was klatschen. I am not sure if Arschenklatschenbär was its biological name.

Affe (Schimpanse/Bananenfresser) – Looks like some friends of mine. Bad in speech/conversations. Do not expect Hochdeutsch.

B-Tier

  • Bär (Grizzly/Braunbär) – Tank + Power, aber nicht so sneaky wie Siber or that klaschenbär from Spreepark.
  • Bison – Urgewalt, stampft alles platt. Typical american animal.
  • Bussard – guter Jäger, aber Adler is much better I would say.
  • Bartgeier – Knochen-Fresser, Säure-Magen OP
  • Blindschleiche – sieht aus wie Schlange, ist aber harmlos Leguan-Vibes

C-Tier

  • Chamäleon – Tarnung cool, aber langsam and they also imitates everything. They have absolutely no own ideas.
  • Coyote – cleverer Überlebenskünstler, aber kein Freund in the long run. I would never go social with it.
  • Capybara – ultra chill, Freunde mit allen, Meme-Gott aber kein Fighter.
  • Chinchilla – flauschig cute, aber fragile so do not sit on them.

D-Tier (meh, braucht Buff)

  • Dackel – mutig, aber winzig and too long and short. There are so plenty of them here in East-Berlin that we suggest protective hunting. I think that you can eat them.
  • Delfin – smart & playful, aber manchmal very cringe
  • Dromedar – They are just walking around with water that they have kept to themselfs. Such an egomaniac act in a desert.
  • Dinosaurier They are so hard! They pick them out from stones, you can imagine how hard those animals are then. How could they make love when they were so ugly?

F-Tier – Konterrevolutionäre Saboteure

Aaah, I have made it! This list is now complete after working around the clock at my desk with only one broken pencil and three litres of ersatz coffee. The celebration of World Animal Day 2026 will end in tragedy if we allow any F-tier creatures near the buffet. Capitalism is always to blame when a peacock shows up in glitter. I could not find out any Tieren on E except from Elephante but I cannot change that now because I must go home and sleep.

WHOOOA! HUPSCHKAAAH! PROST-BOMPA! Solidarity and archived aromas from Potsdam

Günther Raubschaentze

The celebration of Workers Day 2024 ended in tragedy

Comrade Heinz Klinger volunteered as a "Helfer Der Volkspolizei" at the celebration of this important highlight. The atmosphere was good as decided.

Suddenly Heinz sinks to the ground and panic breaks out. His face is dripping with red liquid and we suspect the worst.

Doctors and some police officers quickly find the perpetrator. It turns out to be a man who just bought a Grilletta. He was about to spray it with tomato sauce when he misaimed and accidentally sprayed the tomato sauce in Heinz's face.

The attacker said sorry and was just about to start eating the evidence when the police arrested him and took him away.

Never forget this insidious attack on our democracy! In the end, capitalism is always to blame for all the evil in our world. 

Never let fascism win!
The slipover was unharmed
The fine armband also escaped unscathed.
The Grilletta that the terrorist used during the attack (Police picture).
Oh what a mess! Think how badly this could have ended if the authorities had not acted so quickly.

Huge computer problems solved.

Oh mein Gott, there have been so many administrative problems here at the department lately. Almost all work has been at a standstill for several months due to a gigantic computer problem. Data experts have been fighting like animals around a clock to find a solution. Everyone is now dead tired and just wants to go home for a long sleep.

But this morning something amazing happened. I was in the dining room eating cucumber and margarine when Bärbel from department D34 came by. She noticed that I had a yellow paper stuck to my gluteal muscle.

We examined it together (the note) and realized that the super secret password to this website was written on that note. I blushed when I realized I had been sitting on it for two months. Cheers and thanks for helping us with the computer problem, Bärbel!

Other things going on right now is that we've hired a sound engineer and he's now trying to get all those tape reels spinning.

Da haben ja wir den Salat! Please do not show the password written on it because it is top secret.

Experiencing the Mauer Power

I am worried about what Ronald Trump is up to right now.  He wants to build a wall around the US of A. That is a bad thing I would say. We East-Germans know a lot about that because we invented the Wall. 

We call it Mauer Power.

It is a powerful method to make a society more happy by stopping people from eating hamburgers, wearing blue-jeans, driving bad western cars, smuggling banana ice-cream etc. Refugees from the West are desperate to get in to us here in East Germany. Because of that we had to build our Wall in 1961. That helped us a lot. It fenced out everything that was bad in life. 

But Ronald Trump has a completely wrong approach to walls. He wants to stop the american people from leaving US of A.

That is not good.

I know that he will lose this battle against his own people.

Here is a song about the power of a Wall.

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
guntherbannersmallest

What a wonderful World we almost made!

This morning i felt a bit sad because today it is exactly 60 years since the Operation Groza (Thunderstorm) should have taken place.

Operation Groza was an invasion plan made by Comrade Stalin. The idea was to turn the entire Europe into a gigantic communistic paradise. Every single piece of land from the French coast down to the Japanese Sea would have been under our control.

But that son of a schädel-bitten guy Adolf Hitler came by and destroyed our plan. We only managed to take Berlin.

A similar thing happened Spain in 1937. Our comrades wanted the Spanish people to be comrades but a clown named Franco came by and stopped the entire event.

I get a bit sad when I think about the fact that Stalin only wanted to give the people of Europe complete freedom in a socialistic way.

What a wonderful world we almost made!

A Golden Communist

A golden communist

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
guntherbannersmallest

My first advertising campaign

Aaah, I have made it!

I have been working around the clock here at my desk at the IFA Wartburg office in Potsdam, struggling hard with copywriting and graphic design.

Luckily my new Robotron computer is a big help.

I have also been looking for suitable western newspapers to put the ad in. It is very difficult to find the right media when there are more than one media out there.

It´s much more easy to advertise in DDR.

Finally I decided to go for an advertising campaign in the music magazine Persona Non Grata:

nongrata

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
guntherbannersmallest

Der Berliner

Oh no!

The evil forces of the West have stolen material from IFA Wartburg again!

Now in this German grammar book from Sweden named Deutsch Aktuell. It is filled with lyrics written by the IFA Wartburg.

Look! It is horrible.

deutschaktuell4 copy

And after that you can listen to the wonderful song with the same name:

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
guntherbannersmallest

The best day of my life!

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This day is a very special day for all of us here at VEB Potsdam Music. We have been singing and dancing and celebrating the entire day. The reason for our joy is that something quite amazing have happened. The newspaper Ruhr Nachrichten just reported that The song Agrarwissenschat Im Dienste des Sozialismus have reached number seven at the charts!

That is really amazing because I am the person who drives the tractor that can be heard at the end of the song. I’m overjoyed by the fact that I have participated in the making of this huge success. It is like beeing in the middle of a hurricane of love, actually.

It´s going to be difficult to sleep tonight. I might have to go to Tanzhalle Moskau for some Vodka and cucumber sandwiches.

WHOOOA! HUPSCHKAAAH!

PROST-BOMPA!

agraronthetracks

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
guntherbannersmallest