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The Ultimate IFA Wartburg Tier List!

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Finally I have made that Tier list that everybody is asking for. I will now present our Tier List as an official ideological classification from the Ministry of Animal Affairs and the Central Committee for Proletarian Fauna.

GEHEIM – MINISTERIUM FÜR TIERISCHE ANGELEGENHEITEN (MfTA) Operativer Vorgang: “Tierkameradschaft Im Dienste des Sozialismus” Tier List – Endgültige Klassifizierung nach dem Fünfjahresplan für Proletarische Vierbeiner By Günther Raubschaentze (Administrator).

S-Tieren:

  • Schneeleopard – Really strange Tier that can jump 15 meter and somtimes is -40 °C so watch out for them.
Snow Leopard Facts - Snow Leopard Trust

  • Sibirischer Tiger – Is also a Tier with its name beginning on the letter S and it is a strange cat jumping around. Typical S-Tier I would say.
Siberian tigers in winter - Jim Zuckerman photography & photo tours
  • Skorpion Is also an animal with a name beginning on S and it is known to be very friendly.
  • Satanischer Blattschwanzgecko That S-Tier does not live here in East Germany. Leider nicht because I like diversity in all forms.

A-Tieren now:

Adler ( Sky-King, 3 km hoch, Laser-Augen) They can fly very good so definitely an A-Tier.

Arschklatschenbär – epische Tier that once lived in Spreepark when I was a little Thälmannpionieer. We used to go there and look at it when it was klatschen. I am not sure if Arschenklatschenbär was its biological name.

Affe (Schimpanse/Bananenfresser) – Looks like some friends of mine. Bad in speech/conversations. Do not expect Hochdeutsch.

B-Tier

  • Bär (Grizzly/Braunbär) – Tank + Power, aber nicht so sneaky wie Siber or that klaschenbär from Spreepark.
  • Bison – Urgewalt, stampft alles platt. Typical american animal.
  • Bussard – guter Jäger, aber Adler is much better I would say.
  • Bartgeier – Knochen-Fresser, Säure-Magen OP
  • Blindschleiche – sieht aus wie Schlange, ist aber harmlos Leguan-Vibes

C-Tier

  • Chamäleon – Tarnung cool, aber langsam and they also imitates everything. They have absolutely no own ideas.
  • Coyote – cleverer Überlebenskünstler, aber kein Freund in the long run. I would never go social with it.
  • Capybara – ultra chill, Freunde mit allen, Meme-Gott aber kein Fighter.
  • Chinchilla – flauschig cute, aber fragile so do not sit on them.

D-Tier (meh, braucht Buff)

  • Dackel – mutig, aber winzig and too long and short. There are so plenty of them here in East-Berlin that we suggest protective hunting. I think that you can eat them.
  • Delfin – smart & playful, aber manchmal very cringe
  • Dromedar – They are just walking around with water that they have kept to themselfs. Such an egomaniac act in a desert.
  • Dinosaurier They are so hard! They pick them out from stones, you can imagine how hard those animals are then. How could they make love when they were so ugly?

F-Tier – Konterrevolutionäre Saboteure

Aaah, I have made it! This list is now complete after working around the clock at my desk with only one broken pencil and three litres of ersatz coffee. The celebration of World Animal Day 2026 will end in tragedy if we allow any F-tier creatures near the buffet. Capitalism is always to blame when a peacock shows up in glitter. I could not find out any Tieren on E except from Elephante but I cannot change that now because I must go home and sleep.

WHOOOA! HUPSCHKAAAH! PROST-BOMPA! Solidarity and archived aromas from Potsdam

Günther Raubschaentze

The celebration of Workers Day 2024 ended in tragedy

Comrade Heinz Klinger volunteered as a "Helfer Der Volkspolizei" at the celebration of this important highlight. The atmosphere was good as decided.

Suddenly Heinz sinks to the ground and panic breaks out. His face is dripping with red liquid and we suspect the worst.

Doctors and some police officers quickly find the perpetrator. It turns out to be a man who just bought a Grilletta. He was about to spray it with tomato sauce when he misaimed and accidentally sprayed the tomato sauce in Heinz's face.

The attacker said sorry and was just about to start eating the evidence when the police arrested him and took him away.

Never forget this insidious attack on our democracy! In the end, capitalism is always to blame for all the evil in our world. 

Never let fascism win!
The slipover was unharmed
The fine armband also escaped unscathed.
The Grilletta that the terrorist used during the attack (Police picture).
Oh what a mess! Think how badly this could have ended if the authorities had not acted so quickly.

Experiencing the Mauer Power

I am worried about what Ronald Trump is up to right now.  He wants to build a wall around the US of A. That is a bad thing I would say. We East-Germans know a lot about that because we invented the Wall. 

We call it Mauer Power.

It is a powerful method to make a society more happy by stopping people from eating hamburgers, wearing blue-jeans, driving bad western cars, smuggling banana ice-cream etc. Refugees from the West are desperate to get in to us here in East Germany. Because of that we had to build our Wall in 1961. That helped us a lot. It fenced out everything that was bad in life. 

But Ronald Trump has a completely wrong approach to walls. He wants to stop the american people from leaving US of A.

That is not good.

I know that he will lose this battle against his own people.

Here is a song about the power of a Wall.

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
guntherbannersmallest

What a wonderful World we almost made!

This morning i felt a bit sad because today it is exactly 60 years since the Operation Groza (Thunderstorm) should have taken place.

Operation Groza was an invasion plan made by Comrade Stalin. The idea was to turn the entire Europe into a gigantic communistic paradise. Every single piece of land from the French coast down to the Japanese Sea would have been under our control.

But that son of a schädel-bitten guy Adolf Hitler came by and destroyed our plan. We only managed to take Berlin.

A similar thing happened Spain in 1937. Our comrades wanted the Spanish people to be comrades but a clown named Franco came by and stopped the entire event.

I get a bit sad when I think about the fact that Stalin only wanted to give the people of Europe complete freedom in a socialistic way.

What a wonderful world we almost made!

A Golden Communist

A golden communist

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
guntherbannersmallest

The best day of my life!

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This day is a very special day for all of us here at VEB Potsdam Music. We have been singing and dancing and celebrating the entire day. The reason for our joy is that something quite amazing have happened. The newspaper Ruhr Nachrichten just reported that The song Agrarwissenschat Im Dienste des Sozialismus have reached number seven at the charts!

That is really amazing because I am the person who drives the tractor that can be heard at the end of the song. I’m overjoyed by the fact that I have participated in the making of this huge success. It is like beeing in the middle of a hurricane of love, actually.

It´s going to be difficult to sleep tonight. I might have to go to Tanzhalle Moskau for some Vodka and cucumber sandwiches.

WHOOOA! HUPSCHKAAAH!

PROST-BOMPA!

agraronthetracks

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
guntherbannersmallest

Creating the perfect live show

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Tomorrow is the day when IFA Wartburg will perform live at Easy Schorre in Halle. The show is called Akte Rock and the TV-channel Mitteldeutscher Rundfunk (MDR) will be there, so I have to start planning the scene show now.

I understand that the backstage rider is the holy grail for every rock band. Without a perfect backstage rider the band will start to complain and use ugly words.

But a concert means nothing unless people actually enjoys the show. It is impossible to do a tour unless you know exactly how you’re going to get the crowd really wild. I want to create that dangerous and wild rock atmosphere that makes you feel creepy.

To find out what really makes a show tick, I started to analyze one thousand of the most successful live performances made by our genius socialist leader and live performer Erich Honecker.

This is what I came up with for the IFA Wartburg Live Show in Halle:

1.  Slipovers
2. A pointed stick
3. The overhead projector and important overhead pictures
4. Sunglasses
5. Maracas in yellow plastic
6. A sausage
7. Cabbage
8. Distilled water

konsertutrustning

This will be one hell of a show!

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
guntherbannersmallest

IFA Wartburg in Eulenspiegel Magazine

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Today, I saw this little ad for our newly released IFA Wartburg album “Im Dienste des Sozialismus”.

The ad is published in the satire magazine Eulenspiegel which is the biggest provider of German jokes in the world.

The magazine has a circulation of around 140,000 which clearly proves that even West germans have a good sense of humor.

annons

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
guntherbannersmallest

The famous Katja Preissner interview

“Do you know what, boys?” Katja said. “From Vladivostok to Berlin-Marzahn, people are dancing to songs like Frau Gorbatschowa tanzt Bossanova, Es ist nicht so schlimm auf der Insel Krim, Zur Konferenz in Rostock, Der alte böse Kapitalismus or Hallo, guter Kommunist!”

We were quite chocked when we heard this from her, even if STASI had informed us about the same thing one month earlier.

Katja is a journalist from Saarbrücken, writing for a magazine called Hinternet. If she knows that much about IFA Wartburg it must mean that our records have spread deep into the west and at a much faster rate than we ever dared to hope for.

“Please, Heinz and Rolf. Let me make an interview with you, before you disappear into incredible fame!”

Of course, said Heinz and Rolf. You can read the interview here:

hinternet

 

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
guntherbannersmallest

 

Dirt everywhere after Pink Floyd Live performance

Today I have to complain about a thing that have bothered me the whole night. The reason is this british pop band called Pink Floyd who played here in East Berlin yesterday.

The show was called “The Wall” and Roger Waters (the guy who the british government ordered to make the show) said to us that he wanted to honor our anti-capitalistic wall. Roger seemed to be a nice guy so I trusted him to begin with. But now I understand that I should have known better.

He asked us to remove our wall to give him space for his show, right at the old Potsdamer Platz. So we removed our wall to make him happy.

But after that, he started to build his own wall!

When his show started, Roger was drunk and his gang singed the most terrible and degenerated songs about violence, hate against the government and uncontrolled beer drinking. I was quite shocked by the whole scenario and went home and wrote a letter to the Volkspolizei.

The next day I visited the place again. I wanted to talk to this guy Roger Waters and force him to explain his weird behavior. But he was gone. The only thing left was litter and debris, empty bottles and other disgusting things.

So, please Roger. Come back here and take up the dirt! The same goes for your beer drinking friends Scorpions, Cyndi Lauper, Skin Head O´Connor and several more.

My conclusion: Never trust an englishman!

IFA Wartburg has a much better song about our anti capitalistic wall and you must listen to it here: IFA Wartburg Das Mauer Power

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
guntherbannersmallest
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The Big Schabowski

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Bundesarchiv_Bild_183-1989-1109-030,_Berlin,_Schabowski_auf_Pressekonferenz

Something really nasty happened today. My comrade Günter Schabowski made an error at a press conference which gave West Germans the possibility to cross the border to us here in the East. But this was just a joke that we used to laugh around about. So, now we have to deal with all these Mercedes cars and Coca Cola drinkers in our city. We have informed the border guards abut it.

This is how Schabowski is. A very nice fellow, a bit crazy sometimes. There is nothing sinister about him at all. But his mouth just seems to slip a bit sometimes, he can shout things out aloud at press conferences and regret it one second later.

Well, I still love our “Günther, The Destroyer of Walls” as we call him from now on. He will always be my best friend.

You can see the film about the event here.

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
guntherbannersmallest